The What, Why, and How of Wedding Vows

What Are Vows:   Vows are the high point of a wedding ceremony.   This is where you, as a bride or groom, publicly state the promises which you have already privately pledged to your partner.

Why Are They Important:   Vows are the point within the wedding ceremony where you publicly declare you marriage in front of your community of family and friends.  You are also declaring it to the world at large.  In essence, it is the point where you create your marriage by public declaration.

It is the point where you join the billions of other who over the centuries have done likewise.   In spiritual terms, you are stepping into the global, energetic thought-form called marriage.

In psychological terms you are co-creating a context called: "The marriage of ______ and ______ ."   Your new creation forms a structure within which your future activities together become content.   For example, when you think on a family unit you think of a husband, wife together (and often with children as part of that unit).   By your declaration, you are creating a new family unit on your wedding day.   For details on the significance of your creation, please contact Rev. Cote'.   

Masculine / Feminine Differences:   Vows are both what you are willing to promise your partner and what you would like to hear your partner promise you.  In his book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," Author, John Gray tell us that there tends to be some basic differences between what men want to hear and what women want to hear.   There is obviously also a great number of needs and desires that are equally important to both men and women.

Men are more likely to want to be: 1) trusted in their capacity do what they do, 2) accepted for who and what they are, and 3) appreciated for what they do.   Women are more likely to want to be: 1) cared for and cared about, 2) understood, and listened to, and 3) respected.   Keep these difference in mind both in your relationship and when creating your vows.

Writing Your Vows:   We offer each couple a list of thirty-three sample vows.   (See the reference Below.)  You can choose to use one from the sample list; you can take pieces from two or more vows and put them together; you can find vows from another source; or you can use the list to inspire them to write your own wows.   

You can both speak the same vow.   You can each say a your own separate vow.  Or you can both say the same vow and add to it a unique piece of your own.

The Creation Process:    When your have some time to be together, sit separately and make two lists,  1) what you'd like to hear from your partner, and  2) what you're willing to promise to your partner.   In creating your vows, it's easiest to start by thinking about what you'd like to hear your partner promise you.   We suggest that each of you make a list of what you would like to hear promised to you.  Rearrange your list in order of importance by placing the most important item on the top, second most important second, and so on until the least important is at the bottom of the list.   

Now, make a second list of those things you are willing to promise to your partner.   Most likely it will include all those items on the list of what you'd like to hear and perhaps more.   Prioritize this list also.  

Next, share your lists with each other.   Note the similarities, the differences.  Note what's most important on all four lists.  Use your lists as a starting point for your vows.   Now, examine the sample vows we've given you and/or vows from any other source.   Write down phrases, sentences, and ideas that appeal to you.   Refine what you've written until it becomes your vows.

A Much Simpler Way:    Some of you may have done a variation of the above process in your mind and so don't need or desire the above physical activity.   If that's the case, then simple examine our list of sample vows and/or vows from any other source end and find one that suites you.

Speaking  in the Ceremony:   Commonly, brides and grooms decide ahead of time what they will say to each other.   Then prior to their wedding day, they give the officiant a written copy of their vows.   At the appropriate point in the wedding ceremony, the officiant speaks the vows, a phrase at a time,  first to the groom who repeats the vows to the bride and then to the bride who repeats them to the groom.   

Memorizing Vows:  We discourage brides and grooms from attempting to memorize their vows.   We even discourage seasoned actors from memorizing their vows.   Here's why.   

Your Head takes a Vacation: Our experience tells us that, on the wedding day, the intellect takes a back seat to the heart and as such,  is almost useless.   This is why we discourage doing anything beyond showing up, being with your partner, and having a joyous celebration of your love.

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   Sample Vows

Numerous examples of vows can be found in wedding books. and on the internet.   Over the years, 

             we have created a collection of thirty-three sample vows 
             which we offer to the brides and grooms who choose us 
             to officiate their weddings.  

They include the tradition vows, vows written by our prior brides and grooms, vows form publications, and vows that we were inspired to write based on vows we read or heard elsewhere.

Once you decide to have us officiate your wedding, we will give you the private address where you can access them via the internet and/or we will give you a written copy of them.